And so her darkness became my salvation
by Dareia
Summary: Slightly AU; Jax found out Gemma killed Tara and started after her only to end up in a crash, getting seriously hurt. He wakes up not remembering anything, not even his name. The only thing he can recall is a gentle voice of a woman. Jade is a young woman with a terrifying past that broke her. Could someone like her be his salvation? Jax/OC
1. Prologue

**Dear Readers! After watching the finale of SoA I couldn't help but act up on this idea that was forming for a long time in my mind. This is just a short intro that I hope you're going to enjoy and is going to get you interested in my story.**

**I apologize for the mistakes I made as some of you may know English isn't my first language.**

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Slowly, I was coming out of the darkness. My mind had difficulties processing the light that welcomed me as I opened my eyes. Everything was white, so bright I felt that I was blinded by it. There was a constent beeping sound coming from the background that I couldn't place just yet. I moved my eyes around, gradually realizing that I was in a hospital room.

My brain was looking for information, memories desperately. My breathing turned heavy as second by second the terror of not knowing why I was here took over me. I heard the monitor next to me signing my heartbeating getting quicker and quicker as I tried to remember who I was and realized that I was lost. I knew nothing. The one single thing I could recall was a gentle voice talking to me quietly, in a constent pace like they were reading. It was like her words were caressing me softly.

I saw a blonde woman passing by the door with light but confident steps before nurses and a young doctor entered the room, welcoming me back to life. I had no chance to ask questions; they quickly checked my results, and then filled me in. I'd been hit by a truck while riding a bike. They said I was a real fighter, that anyone else would have been dead in the moment they met the vehicle. The doctors had feared I'd never wake up again as a result of the head injury I suffered by the crash.

They weren't able to tell me if I'd ever get my memories back though. I got no ID on me so they couldn't help me with finding out who I was. According to them I should feel lucky that I got away with no permanent damages in my body. With my mind I knew they were right, and I should be happy that I was alive. Then why did I feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders? Why did I feel like darkness was surrounding me like a beast hiding under the surface? Why did I feel like there was a hole in my chest so deep there was no bottom of it?

When the nurses and the doctor left I was left alone again. The silence weight down on me as if I were strangled by an invisible force of nature. Did everyone feel like this when they dealt with amnesia? Was that the cause of my uneasiness? Or was it something that I hid from myself, and once I dag deep enough it was all going to crash down on me?

I stared at the white ceiling above me, forced myself to try to remember who I was. Was I a good man? Did I have kids, family, a wife? Anyone who was missing me? Anyone who was determined to find me? Or was I a man whose disappearance mattered to no one? Was I someone cursed with lonliness? Was I someone who people loved or hated? Would I ever figure the answer out for these questions? Did I even want to?

* * *

I was about to enter the room of the hospital's latest John Doe when I saw the man who laid there for weeks unconcious slowly opening his eyes. I let out a sigh of relief as I started towards the nurses station without stopping.

I let Jenny know that the biker was coming around so they could go and do what was to be done these times. For a moment I was stalling there, not certain if I should go or stay. Never before I had to contemplate this question. I couldn't tell what made this man different from all the others who I visited through the years.

It was always easy for me. I was by the side of those men and women who had no family, or friends to wait for them to come back to life. I was there right until the moment they woke up and then I left without them even realizing they weren't alone during those hours, or days when being comatose. I didn't need people thinking that I was a good person. I wasn't. I saw things no one should see, and those things turned me into a savage. I was a cold blooded monster who killed without any second thought.

The reason why I preferred the company of unconscious people over the ones being aware of my presence was that I wasn't threatened by getting attached to them. I knew too well where that would lead. It would just bring more sorrow and pain for them and for me too. Still, first time in the last 5 years I felt like there was a bond between me and the man laying in room 7. Of course, I knew it was senseless to think that way. I knew nothing about him, and I shouldn't want to. I knew better than that, him being awake was my cue to leave. I watched the doctor rushing pass by me, pulling me back to reality and I started towards the exit. My job here was done.


	2. Life As A Bullet

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**The mistakes are all mine, I apologize for them.**

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**CHAPTER ONE  
LIFE AS A BULLET**

"Morning, girls," I nodded to the mechanists as I entered the yard of my uncles garage. The only replies I got were muttered greatings. I knew they feared me, and I liked it that way. They had a reason to.

I stopped a step away from the stairs that led upstairs to the office and my current home. Pushing my sunglasses to my head I stared at the blond man with the cast on his arm. He was the one from the hospital; the biker who came around a few weeks ago. I didn't give much thoughts to him after he was awake.

"Hey, you, Clinton," I called out for one of the guys who didn't seem to be busy with working on Mrs. Carlisle's car. "What is he doing here?"

"You should ask Jake," he mumbled as he glanced at the guy, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

I looked at the biker one more time before heading upstairs. He still had nasty bruises on his face, and it was easy to tell that it was uncomfortable for him to even just sit there; most likely some, or most of his ribs were broken in the crash. There was something in him that bothered me, other than that I thought he got nothing to do there. Obviously, he wasn't hired with his broken bones.

"Morning, Jake," my uncle was sitting behind his desk, gathering the latest bills for me to take to the post office.

"Good morning, Jade," he answered, not bothering with looking at me. "I'm glad you're here, I wanted to talk to you anyway. You have a new room mate."

I frowned at him, not certain if I heard him right. A new room mate? For one, I hadn't got an old one, and I most certainly wasn't in need of any ever. I liked having space, and I didn't like sharing that with anyone. It was my firm belief that I was the last person anyone would ever want to live with.

"Did you just say what I think you said?" I raised an eyebrow, disbelief echoing through my voice.

"Yes, you heard me well," he nodded, still pretending that he was lost in the bills. "Alison asked me to take her John Doe in. She developed a relationship with him, felt bad that he didn't know who he was, got nowhere to go."

Alison was my uncle's girlfriend who was the sweetest person ever. We never got along well. Her unawarness to the world annoyed me to the point that I couldn't stand being in her presence for more than five minutes. I wasn't surprised at all that she came up with this ridiculous idea.

"Why isn't she taking him in if she's so concerned?" I asked with slight annoyance. I wasn't Mother Theresa to help the helpless.

"Listen, Jade, the only reason why I told you that I took him in so you wouldn't cut his throat open when you ran into him at home," Jake stated with a hard look on his face.

"He may as well be a killer," I said as I shook my head, not wanted to believe that Jake would be this oblivious to the dangers of this world.

"Are you sure you want to go down that road now and have that conversation?" He asked, leant back in his chair so he could look me in the eyes.

FLASHBACK

I walked to the yard, my black hoody covering my face. My eyes wandered around, expecting a threat from every corner, from behind every window or door. The sportbag landed with a loud tump on the ground as I dropped it from my shoulder.

"Hey cutie! Can I help you?" A boy, maybe around 19 years old grinned at me sheepishly; his choice of words boiling my blood.

"Where is Jake Davis?" I asked, not moving from the spot where I stood. It gave me a perfect view of the yard, and from the window of the building I had a chance to have eyes on my back as well.

"We can help you as well. What's the problem, sweetie?" Another guy most likely in his mid-twenties stepped to me, putting his hand on my shoulder. That was one dumb thing to do. I pulled the gun from my waistband, pointing it at his head. "Wow, hey... okay, I was just trying to be nice."

I recognized the terror in his eyes but that was all; it touched me on no level. I glanced back at the younger boy and saw him taking a step towards me. That was all it taken for me to pull my other gun out and point it at him.

"I'm going to ask one more time before I kill you both. Where is Jake Davis?" My voice was steady. They could have no doubt that I meant every word that left my lips.

"Drop the gun, girl!" A deep voice commanded me. I looked up and saw a tall man with broad shoulders, strong jaw, and cutting blue eyes standing on the top of the stairs, pointing a shotgun at me.

"Are you Jake?" I asked, showing no sign of backing down. I knew the answer though. He looked just like my father. Despite of the 5 years of age difference between them, they could have been twins. However, he had to know the only reason why I'd ever drop my gun would be if I were already dead.

"I am, and you are?" He narrowed his eyes, and blinked as the rays of sun made it difficult for him to keep them open. I nodded my head backwards so my hood would fall off. As my blonde hair found its way around my shoulders and my face became visible for him I saw the realization hitting him hard. For a slight moment he stood there stunned; almost as if he saw a ghost. God only knew, he might even think that I was my long gone mother. "It was you, wasn't it?"

"It's over," I announced, lowering my weapons from the two men next to me. There was nothing else to say. Everything was over, my life, my past, my present, my future; I had none of those anymore. I became a piece of meat, a hollow body without a soul. Even though blood was pumping through my veins and my heart was still beating life was as far from me as possible. I was a dead man walking.

FLASHBACK END

"No, you're right. This is your place after all," I nodded, my fists tightening in frustration. It was low to say that but on the other hand Jake was right. I was the last person to have a right and accuse people with being murderers.

"I'm glad we agree," he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Can you take the bills now?"

"Sure," I grabbed the papers from the desk and turned on my heels. If I didn't know better, I'd think he regretted bringing up my past. It was rough for both of us. We never actually discussed what happened 5 years ago. There was no need for that. Words couldn't possibly describe what I became anyway.

I pushed my sunglasses to my eyes as I walked down the stairs. John Doe was sitting at the same place as ten minutes ago. I couldn't help but stare at him, trying to figure him out. There was a nudging feeling in the pit of my stomach as he looked back at me. The way he kept my gaze was almost challenging. That was something that hadn't happened in the last few years with me.

* * *

I watched the young, siren looking woman's every step. She caught my attention; not only her obvious beauty but how she held herself, how she walked with such confidence that even men could be envious of her. I also had a feeling that I saw her before. At the hospital there was a blonde woman passing by my door, and I thought that it was her.

"Stop staring at her, dude!" Clinton punched me in the shoulder, my body flinched by the contact. I might not have permanent damages but six of my ribs broke, my left arm was also highly injured and there were more bruised skin on my body than healthy.

"Why? Is she going to scratch my eyes out?" I laughed as I watched the blonde walking out to the street. She was the niece of the man who took me in. I couldn't have been more grateful for the offer. I had nowhere to go to. I had no idea what I could do if it wasn't for Alison and her man.

"It's a p-possibility," Tony stuttered nervously as he circled a wrench in his hand, keeping his eyes on the ground.

"She might have the face of an angel but she's worse than the Devil himself," Clinton continued on.

"You're scared of her," I found it amusing how two red blooded men were petrified by a woman. On the other hand, I wasn't completely surprised by their reaction. There was an air around her, shouting stay away.

"No," Clinton stated firmly. "We're terrified of her. The chick cut a guy's two fingers off just because he touched her."

It caught me by surprise that I wasn't taken aback by this piece of information. If anything, I found it rightful that she did it. It was self defence after all. It made me wonder what that told about me. How a violent act like that had no reaction out of me could possibly mean that I had to face that myself. Could it mean that violence was natural for me, part of my every day life?

The afternoon went on quietly. I realized that even though I couldn't help the guys with the cars yet I definitely had some kind of experience with vehicles. It made me happy that Jake had a garage. I felt like I belonged there. For all I knew it was possible that I might have a business myself.

The two men were rambling on about how life was boring in the small town with the avarage age was 60 years. It seemed that they would never stop talking but fortunately, they didn't even seem to care whether I was paying attention to them or not.

The truth was that I was still dealing with the uneasy feelings what might be caused by my amnesia. However, I had a feeling there was more into these dark clouds above my head. Something terrible happened with me, I could feel it but no matter how hard I tried to remember, nothing wanted to come back to me.

I wished that the police was more motivated to find out who I was. Alison told me that they had four officers all in all, one of them was a sheriff who had issues with alcohol, his daughter as the deputy and two dumb guys. The rumour had it that it took an entire year for them to find out a woman's identity because of various reasons, such as they didn't even try. I hoped that wouldn't be the case with me.

I had a feeling that I had things to do, that something was left unfinished by me. I was hoping that maybe being at a familiar scene in the garage memories would come back to me easier. Though, the truth was I wasn't certain if it would be pleasant to figure out what kind of a man I was. But it would be cowardly of me to think that I didn't want to know the truth about myself.

"Hey, John. How about we have dinner together tonight?" Jake called out to me as he walked down the stairs. I had a feeling that he didn't want me to stay alone with his niece. Whether he was worried about her, or about me getting hurt, I was uncertain of.

"Sounds like a good idea," I replied with a nod. From the informations I got from Jade, I had a feeling it wouldn't be the easiest task to live with her.

* * *

I was heading back home after dealing with paperwork at Jake's bar and paying the bills when I saw the young deputy wandering down the street. It was great timing on her part as I wanted to ask about John Doe; not that I was hoping they managed to figure anything out –God only knew they wouldn't manage even if he had a tattoo on his forehead with his name- but it was worth a shot.

"Good evening, Caithlin," I greated her. She gave me a scared look as she stopped a few feet away from me.

"Good evening, Jade," she nodded, biting her lower lip anxiously while swaying back an force. It was fortunate this was a peaceful place with no real crime ever because she'd be killed at the first field trip.

"Have you managed to figure anything out about John Doe?" I asked her, not bothering with trying to sooth her nerves. Both her and her father did a terrible job and bought shame to the badge but again, no one cared at a place like this.

"No," she shook her head, not dared to look at me. "Dad... The sheriff is trying though."

"If only he stopped looking at the bottom of his glass maybe he'd have more luck," I groaned, and walked past by her and headed home. The entire family was completely useless, no wonder about that.

Walking through the empty street leading to my place my father's words echoed in my mind repeatedly. "It takes a savage to recognize another." That was something he often told me. He was right, and I had a feeling that this man who my uncle took in was more like me than anyone would think. These thoughts circled in my head when I arrived home.

I opened the door only to find my uncle and the biker there. I'd have to get used to sharing my place with someone else, whether I liked the idea or not.

"Evening," I said not stopping to have a chit-chat with them. All I wanted to do was be alone as usually.

"We have pizza and beer. Maybe you could join," John Doe called after me.

"If you think buying food for me is going to get you on my good side, you're wrong," I stated as I turned back to them. I saw my uncle giving me a hard look but I didn't want this man to think that we could be friends. "I only put up with you because Jake asked me and even that only lasts until you live by my rules. You step into my room, you're dead. You ask questions, you're dead. You touch me, you're dead. Is that clear?"

"Clear," he said with amusement hiding in his voice, a smirk appearing on his face, clear sign of my threats not scaring him.

"And you can stop playing his bodyguard, Jake. I'm not going to hurt him... as long as he follows the rules," I said to my uncle. I could tell he also recognized the reaction of the other man, and made him suspicious that maybe under the pretty face there was someone dangerous.

"So you don't want dinner?" My uncle asked, trying to turn the conversation away from the topic of more death.

"I take the pizza, and the beer but don't think that I like you. You might fool someone like Alison with that handsome face but not me, pretty boy," I stated as I grabbed a bottle of beer and a slice of pizza.

"Got it, you don't like me, just the food and the booze," he replied, clearly trying to supress his laughter. I couldn't help but smile myself. There was something in his eyes as he looked at me that moved a part of me what I didn't even think was still alive.

"Oh my God, was that a smile I saw on your face?" Jake stared at me with pretended shock on his face. "That didn't happen in the last 5 years."

"It wasn't a smile," I answered as I sat down to the table, deciding that it would be safer to keep an eye on this man whenever I could. I knew better than to let my guards down. It takes a savage to recognize another, I told myself again. It reminded me of who I was at the end of the day and who this man could be.


	3. Not That Beautiful

**Dear Readers! I'm sorry that this is a slightly shorter chapter but I'm dealing with a flu and it makes it rather difficult to think. Again, thank you for all the new feedbacks, reviews, alerts/faves, I really am so grateful for them. I hope you're all going to enjoy this.**

**All the mistakes are mine, I apologize for them.**

**Please, leave a review if you have the time. Thank you.**

**CHAPTER 2  
NOT THAT BEAUTIFUL**

Red... Everything was so red I could barely make out the shapes around me. And the smell... That was the most disgusting of all... Something I could never forget... Making me feel sick in the pit of my stomach... My skin was covered with awful red liquid. I could feel it running down my face... My eyes stuck on the piles of dead bodies...

I woke with a start, blinking rapidly as I came to my senses. Another restless night for me with barely a few hours spent with sleeping. A few hours I wish I hadn't had. I didn't have a peaceful time in the last 5 years, and barely believed that I'd ever end up having a time when I wasn't haunted by the vivid images of my past. There were some things in life that were to be forgiven, and forgotten over time. However, the people who became animals like me knew there were things that deformed one's personality so much that there was no going back.

I got out from bed, and headed to the kitchen. Caffeine was my closest friend. My usual relaxing and quiet morning however ended before it could have even started. John Doe and Alison were sitting in the living room, getting his strappings changed. After taking him in, I could even put up with them opening a hospital at my home.

"Hello Jade," Alison waved to me cheerfully. I nodded to her, and decided to have my coffee and not care about them. That was the best I could do.

I poured some coffee for myself, and leant against the cupboard. My eyes wandered over the bikers back. There was a tattoo on him but it was nearly impossible to recognize what it was meant to be. The skin on his back was absoulutely gone at some places, some part was so badly bruised that it also made it difficult to figure out the image. There were the odd parts here and there that remained more or less untouched but they were too small to get further conclusions out of them.

"I'm so very happy you're awake... wouldn't want to disturb you, you know..." Alison started after asking him to turn around so she could apply some cream to his back. "I'd like to ask something you see..."

"Whatever it is the answer is no," I stated, sipping my coffee. It was already way out of my comfort zone to have a stranger in my personal space, let alone Alison setting up a hospital here.

"Jade, please..." she sighed. "These must be changed in every few hours and I can't do it because I have to go to work."

"Looking at me like I killed your hamster won't change my mind," I replied as I finished my coffee.

"I get it," John Doe snorted, standing up from the chair. "You're hurt, as miserable as no one else in this world. But guess what, other people have difficulties as well," he explained heatedly as he stepped to me. I held his gaze, waited where he was heading with this little lecture. "My body's been so injured even breathing is painful, my arm broke into so many pieces that I might not be able to ride a bike again and on the top of that I have no idea who I am."

"If I were you, I'd be happy not to know who I was," I took a cigarette and lit it, kept the eye contact. He was so close I could almost feel his breath on my skin. He wanted to say something but I continued on. "Did you look into the mirror? What did you see, hm?"

"I don't know," he replied after a few moments of hesitation. It was easy to tell he was lying. He saw something that he didn't like. We both knew that.

"Don't you?" I asked back before I walked back to my room. He might not know who he was but I had no doubt he was aware of where he might be coming from.

* * *

I stood in front of the mirrow for so long it felt like hours. I was staring at my own face, looking at myself, trying to figure out who this stranger was looking at me. Last night was anything but pleasant. I had nightmares all along and I just couldn't wake up. Everything was red... so red that I couldn't make out people's face around me. I could feel blood running down my face as well. The heavy smell of it got under my skin, into my cells so deeply it felt like I became one with it.

Then I woke with a start by the voice of Jade. She was screaming so loud I thought someone attacked her. I ran to her room, not caring about my aching body but by the time I took the few steps she stopped. I opened the door to her room quietly and saw her sound asleep. I was wondering what terrible dream she must have had.

After our morning encounter I couldn't help but think about what she asked; what I saw in the mirror when I looked at myself. The truth was that I saw a broken man, someone with a rough life, someone who feared they lost everything before their memories. Was she right? Should I be happy that I couldn't tell who I was?

The strangest thing was that despite of how she obviously disliked me I had a feeling she knew more about me than I did. As her ice cold blue eyes bored into mine, I felt like she looked through me, that she saw everything that I was to the bottom of my soul. That feeling was somewhat unnerving. However, on the other hand it was comforting to know that someone understood where I was coming from, even if that someone wasn't me.

I shook my head mentally, and headed to the living room to change my strappings. My chances were quite low to be able to do it myself in the right way, especially putting the cream on my back but I wasn't about to whine.

I took off the strappings, hissed quietly as the cool air hit my bare meat. My back lost the most skin. The tattoo I had there was nowhere near to be recognized by anyone. I wondered what it could have been. It must have been something important if it covered my entire back, something that could define who I was.

I cursed under my breath as I tried to reach around and put the cream on my back. My broken arm also didn't make this an easy task. It felt like a dead weight, only being the way with that cast on it.

The door opened, and Jade entered, not bothering with giving me a look at all. She seemed to be completely untouched by the fact that I was struggling there with several broken bones. I knew her for only a few days but I thought that I saw through her.

She was in constant pain and I had a feeling that she was that way because she chose to be as if she was punishing herself. Each and every move she made, every word that left her lips seemed to be controlled. The feeling inside me that I wanted to know more of her kept growing. It was almost as if I thought if I figured her out, I'd find a way back to myself as well.

"Oh for God' sake," she groaned as she turned to me and saw me making odd movements as I still tried to reach my back. "Give me that cream."

I was a little bit surprised that she took pity on me in the end. Maybe there was still some humanity in her after all. She took the box from my hand and sat behind me. I couldn't help but flinch as her smooth fingers ran over the injured area despite of the fact that her touch was way gentler than I'd have expected almost as if she was caressing my skin.

"What do you see when you look at me?" I asked, trying to take my thoughts away from the pain.

Her hand stopped for a moment on my back. I could feel her eyes on me, heard her taking a deep breath.

"I don't think you want to hear the answer for that," she said in a quite but firm voice, going back to applying more cream on me.

"And I think I do," I glanced back at her. I couldn't wrap my finger on why it mattered what she thought, couldn't tell why it was so important for me to know what she thought of me but I needed to hear her oppinion.

"I think you're lost," she said as she reached for the strapping and started to gradually wrap it around my waist. "Not because you can't remember who you are but because you're broken. Almost to the point of beyond repair."

"Almost?" Hope echoed through my voice making me sound like I was a child who kept hoping Santa Claus was real. It was sad that a woman's opinion who I didn't even know mattered that much to me but I had nowhere to turn to and the feeling of being the same with Jade didn't want to let me alone.

"You're done," she stood up and left to her room, left me wondering if she was right. Was I lost and broken? And if so was she right that there might be some kind of redemption for me? Was it possible that my accident and my lost memories were the way how life gave me a new chance?


End file.
